I will just warn y’all right away that this will probably be the post that will expose the rawness, the tears, the frustration, and the pain the most.
- It was during this time in my life that I hurt the most, yet felt God’s healing hand upon me.
- The time that I felt the rawest of emotions, yet there was peace.
- The time I wanted to not ever forgive, yet God reminded me that He forgave me.
- The time that I cried more tears, yet God was healing my heart.
- The time when I understood just how much truth could hurt.
- The time when in my loneliness, God was my constant companion.
So continuing from my previous post..
Even as I was driving to the weekly Bible study that evening, I could feel something was different and through our usual time of worship I could barely keep from crying. We split up into smaller groups then normal that evening, but I believe that it was all God ordained.
My group met in the backyard of that lil country church, where God painted a sunset more lovely then ever before, or maybe it was because my eyes were opened spiritually that very night. Even to this day, I could probably take you to the exact spot where I, amidst tears uttered the darkest secret of my past. Honestly, it was just so hard to admit that this had really happened to me, that as a young child I had been abused, sexually and physically.
As I began to tell of the darkest moments of my life, I cried like I had never ever cried before. There were:
- Tears of frustration of never being understood
- Tears of fear of being blamed for allowing it to happen
- Tears of rejection, cuz I felt so worthless
- Tears of loneliness, cuz during those dark moments, I had noone to turn to
- Tears of anger, at the perpetrator for causing me so much pain
Yet, amongst all those different emotions there were Tears of healing and relief that finally, the Truth was out, that I no longer had anything to hide. And there, I met Jesus in a way that I had never experienced before,
I saw a mental picture of the cross and there I was at the foot of the cross and Jesus washed away every dark spot and cleansed me. I was finally free and the weight I had been carrying for so long was GONE!!!! HALLELUJAH!!!
In the following days and weeks I felt such a Rollercoaster of emotions, and those first several nights were almost a nightmare. A kind friend helped me understand that the emotions were a part of it, and that in order for me to move on, I would have to go back and mentally relive those dark and hurtful moments, and oh, it was painful, but I healed tremendously after that.
The loneliness was probably one of the hardest thing for me to understand and sort through. I struggled with it really bad for close to a year after I first talked about the sexual abuse. One of the main reasons is because when the abuse happened I was all alone in those dark moments, and I was at the expense of the abuser. Yet God has healed those wounds tremendously, and is still continuing to heal and teach me things concerning being alone.
Another huge part of it all, was my fear of people, I had to get rid of the mindset that all people were out to hurt me. Here again, God did tremendous healing in my heart and spirit. I began to actually trust people and allow people to become close to me, without being afraid of getting hurt.
It took several years for me to cope with all of this, and even now, it’s still makes me emotional to write about it all, but God is always Faithful and I am reminded of the verse in Zephaniah:
Yahweh your God is among you, a warrior who saves. He will rejoice over you with gladness. He will bring you quietness with His love. He will delight in you with shouts of joy.”
Zephaniah 3:17 HCSB
So now that the most vulnerable post is about to draw to a close, I would like to ask that you give God all the Glory for what He has done and how He has Redeemed what the enemy meant for evil, Into something that brings Glory to God!
To be continued…
Thankful for Redemption,