So this plan would enter my mind at times of great trial and loneliness, at the time I didn’t have very many friends (that was my own fault, cuz I was always working) I never attempted to carry it out, but so many times I wondered if suicide would be my only option, I wanted to be free from so many things and I didn’t have a clue how to do so.
I would work about 50-60 hours a week, go home collapse on the couch, watch TV until bedtime, sleep, and wake up the next morning only to repeat it week after week. I was going through the motions of what I considered a ‘normal’ life, but deep in my heart I knew there was more. Even back then, God was calling me, asking me to give my broken heart to Him and allow Him to heal me.
There was a group of my friends that invited me to their weekly Bible study, I went with full intentions of only going this once, but there was something about this weekly gathering that had me hungering for more. What fascinated me was the way they worshiped together, cared for one another, laying hands on each other and praying blessing and love over one another. To me, the laying on of hands was quite strange, cuz I had never seen it before, but something about it felt right. After attending for several months, I began to really look forward to these times together with these people. It felt like a safe place, a place where I could be myself.
About this time I enrolled in online classes for Business Administration, so with working over 40 hours a week, plus doing college classes in the evening I was busy as ever. I changed jobs which freed me up a little more, but still my extra time all went into studying and schoolwork. I had one goal in mind and that was to get a degree, cuz somehow that was gonna make me feel better about myself.
But amongst all my busyness, God was working in amazing ways. And one evening as we gathered for our weekly Bible study group, something broke within me and I confessed that at times I just wanted to end my life, because I felt so dirty, so ugly, and so worthless. As the ladies gathered around me, laying hands on me, and praying, I experienced something I had never ever felt before. I felt the Father holding me in His arms and telling me that He loves me and He wants to heal every hurt and dry every tear. It was such an overwhelming, amazing feeling, and I won’t ever forget it!
It was amazing how confessing that one thing made such a difference in my life. Suddenly I had something to live for, a huge cloud of darkness had been lifted lff of me and I found victory!! I felt like I was no longer just going through the motions of life, but that. I was actually accomplishing something. Thank you Jesus!!!!
So you may remember that in a previous post I had wrote about having serious issues with my feet, well some of those issues began to clear up and there was physical healing happening in my body, along with emotional and spiritual. I felt like a new person, for the first time ever. It was an absolutely incredible feeling!!
And a Lil over a year later, we had once again met for our weekly Bible study, and that evening, I knew something was different, something was going to change. Cuz that day I had told one of my friends the darkest thing that had ever happened to me….
To be continued..
Thankful for Redemption,